Pickup lines...

...you must promise never, ever to use on me. In the styles of Rick Moody, Dave Eggers, Nathan Englander and more, as skewered by David Barringer. (Link via MaudNewton.)

Nathan Englander:
Pickup: I can't stand this. I had to walk up to you and talk to you. You can't understand how long it took me. My heart wheels like a wig in an Eastern ghost town. My father's on sabbatical, and I have his car. It's an Eldorado. I'm looking at you in earnest, really looking at you. Do you hear singing? Let's go. Parking is expensive in the city. Do you want to go? I'm torn. Can you tell I'm Jewish? Does it matter? I think I'm in love. Who else would I be in love with? I'm really looking at you. Do you want to go? I can't stand this.

And this is Dave Eggers' breakup line:

Breakup: I apologize for the delay in responding. It is my genuine intent to respond promptly and personally. I am sorry to say that you're just not right for my needs at this time. Please consider me in the future if you change in any substantial way.